<h2>Iran Wants a Nuclear Bomb? No Problem</h2>

I have a solution to the current problem involving Iran that is so simple and beautiful I’m surprised nobody else has thought of it: Let’s give Iran a nuclear bomb. I’m talking about the United States. Let’s give the mothers, I mean the mullahs, the bomb. I’m serious. Talk about easing tensions. Tensions would get so eased everybody would go to sleep.

As everybody knows, the Iranian scientists have been "enriching uranium," which is considered naughty. Only about three people in the world know what that means, but everybody else takes their word for it. As I understand it, enriching uranium is necessary for certain processes involving the peaceful use of nuclear power. It's also necessary for building a bomb, but that takes several years. The Iranians say they are only pursuing the first, peaceful option.

Under terms of the 1968 Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, which Iran has signed, a nation is within its rights to carry out this process. Yet the United States has decided that Iran will not be allowed to do it anyway and President George "God told me to invade Iraq" Bush has threatened to attack the country if it doesn’t knuckle under.

Even when 16 U.S. intelligence agencies went public in late 2007 with their findings that Iran had ended its nuclear-weapons program in 2003, Bush said he didn’t care. He wanted to know why those sneaky Iranians had ever had a nuclear-weapons program. He didn’t mention the fact that America has been operating a nuclear-weapons program since 1944 that didn’t end in 2003.

What is so all-fired horrible about Iran possessing one nuclear weapon? For comparison, let's do a little roundup of the nuclear weapons possessed by countries around the planet.

• Pakistan 15-25?
• India 60+?
• United Kingdom 185
• Israel 200+?
• China 410
• France 464
• Russia 10,000
• United States 10,500

Now, if my pocket calculator is working properly, that adds up to an estimated total of 21,844 apocalyptic bombs in the world, and nobody cares. Yet if it seems that the Iranians may be thinking of possibly building one teensy weensy nuclear bomb somewhere down the road, Condi Rice gets her panties in a wad and demands that “the world community" do something. How dare those Iranians think of developing a nuclear weapon? Who do they think they are?

Hillary Clinton, who is running for the presidency of Israel, has had to stop wearing panties because of the wadding problem.

"Let’s be clear about the threat we face now,” she lectured. “A nuclear Iran is a danger to Israel, to its neighbors and beyond…. We cannot and should not—must not—permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons.”

Some people on the front row at that speech said they could hear a faint crinkling sound coming from Hillary's skirt, apparently the panties wadding up underneath. (This was before she stopped wearing them.) I can't imagine silk making a crinkling or other sound, but look—ask the people who sat on the front row.

Anyway, was Hillary being fair? The United States has well over 10,000 nuclear weapons. Would she really begrudge Iran one little bomb to call its own?

The hypocrisy of this situation is sending forth a nauseous gas that may be more deadly than nuclear fallout. At any event, it smells worse.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has had the impertinence to suggest that America and Russia give up their nuclear arsenals. The nerve of that man!

Now, I know I may come across as naïve here, seemingly calling for fairness—i.e., if so many other nations have nuclear bombs, it’s only fair to let Iran have them—but I’m not. I am well aware that fairness is an unknown concept in international relations, where the operative word is spelled p-o-w-e-r. Those that have enough of it can, and almost certainly will, do whatever they please, and those that lack it are sooner or later going to get screwed to the wall.

I just don’t want any more wars. I've seen too many ghastly pictures from the one going on now in Iraq. Furthermore, the United States is bankrupt and so far gone into debt it will never see daylight again. This country can't afford another war. This country can't afford peace.

So here's my plan. We agree to make a present of one of our newest, shiniest nuclear bombs to Iran. (That will leave us only 10,499, but we'll just have to scrape by with those as best we can.) In return, Iran will have to agree to stop all enriching of uranium or doing anything else that might lead to the production of a nuclear weapon.

The Iranians will be grateful to the United States for enabling them to stop sneaking around doing whatever they've been doing in those subterranean chambers, spending tons of money, and being publicly fussed at and threatened by Condi and Hillary and everybody else. And they can now hold their heads high because they will be members in good standing of the Nuclear Club. (Everything will be done in secret so the world will never know that Iran's bomb came from the U.S.)

The Iranian scientists will be especially grateful because they will be able to stop doing all that dreary work they've been doing. I mean, how would you like to spend the next seven or eight years in a dungeon-like facility underground "enriching uranium"? Well, the Iranian scientists wouldn't like it either. They would rather spend that time outdoors playing golf, which is especially fun and challenging in Iran because the whole country is a sand trap.

By our generous move, we could usher in a whole new Era of Good Feelings for the world.

I say give 'em the bomb. It's the only way to go.